You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
