I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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