Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
