Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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