never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
