I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
