i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
