The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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