Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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