Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
