Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
