Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
