mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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