Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
