I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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