u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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