take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
