i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
