Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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