Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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