I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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