it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I won the penis lottery.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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