I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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