I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just high enough for therapy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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