I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
