he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
