Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
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So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize