jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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