remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
