We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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