I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
