I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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