I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
