We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
