I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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