SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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