hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
