and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
