i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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