Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have grass duct taped all over my body
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
