I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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