There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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