she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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