Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
