if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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