Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
