highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
