I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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