I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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