Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
