dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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