Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
