i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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