you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
