My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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