im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
