can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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