I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
