Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
