i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
