I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
As shirtless as possible
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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