shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
